MSU Community 3

So I have been refinding my MSU disability community after I left. For a long time I was the leader and I never felt after freshman year that I had a disability community. What I felt most was that I was working so hard and that I was some how this leader that got it and no one else did. I sometimes wonder if this was healthy or that you just eventually get to this point where you have become this leader and couldn't be challenged. The people who started to challenge me more and more were the  adults on the adaptive sports comittee I was on. The wierd thing about this comittee was even though there was this sense of the comunity I searched for it also was very flawed. Even thought I kept searching for this greater find. It worked really well. Like I found this connection with them even though it was this different kind of connection. I learned so much about the effects sports had on people exspecially people who hadn't been able to have it. The wierd thing about disability community is that people routinely disapear or go to the hospital or I don't know just leave. I remember having this great loss, this great sense of feeling lost and yet in the same way I know that to have a community someone has to trying to make a community. I don't know if I was ever successful. I don't know if I ever truely created it again. I always look back at it and keep trying to make it. Keep trying to really understand if I ever made that for someone else. I have a lot of times wondered if maybe my ignorance of being this freshman and being around all these amazing people if that just created this sense of bliss that I can never quiet achieve again.

I always felt at MSU that I was doing good but maybe wasn't cultivating a relationships in the way I wanted. I am routinely told in job interviews that what do you want to do change the world, like this is a bad thing. My Dad keeps going into this sense that what you see these relationships as world changing is what they want it is just that I am too optomistic that many people can only see the big change not the small. The funny thing is I think that big change is untangable. I can not look and quantify a big change. Maybe the closest I got was when I was on campus and the sign to the accessible door in the union finally did not say handicaper door this way. However on a large campus that is still such a small change such a change that really doesn't make a difference in some ways, I still just need to look at the small. The smile sightings as my old boss likes to say. We as a people are always fighting or I feel like I always am.

What changed when I left MSU was funny I started talking to one of my disability people more. It was like being outside completly gave me this different perspective. I loved it. In Iowa I was able to find a community of disability in a different way. I learned a lot and there were lots of people doing good work. I also found the ways I was able to find community were so completly different. For the first time there were people with disabilities who were older then me challenging me. Not just a 2 or 3 years older and I never know exactly how to say that to them or if it really matters but I needed that. I needed to see that. I think being the disability girl for so long on my own made me become egotistic I sometimes wouldn't listen. I wouldn't see how people could make me stronger. I think being in Iowa gave me all this different perspective. However in the same ways that connection in Iowa was the same way, the experience of community was so much better then any other community. I also found I could shape a community for students more in a lot of ways cause I was this fire starter but I didn't need to get any community out of it. I think the problem in undergrad was I felt like an advisor but I wanted my group, a group to make me feel like it used to.

I am slowly finding in time how to have that for me but not having to have that everywhere I go. I seem to gain people. We always talk about disability as a possitive thing but I have still lost people because of disability. It is so wierd to talk about comunity and not talk about part of the fracturing is because of peoples disabilities. It has always been wierd for me. In the same ways it made me feel sorta outside a loop cause for most intents and purposes my disability doesn't change or hasn't in a very long time. Sometimes I feel I blame people for this loss even though I know I can't. It is a very different world to think about. I am too analytical. I always have been and did I mention a history major I am constantly trying to understand tha past to understand my future....there is so much pain in it and so much joy in it as well. I keep wondering where my next move will take me and where my next community will be.


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